Thursday, December 29, 2011


I have decided not to get anymore library books until I read all my books that I own and haven't read. I have way to many books in my house. I can't even get caught up on reading everything.

Monday, December 26, 2011

December 26th

I had the most awesome Christmas ever. It was my first Christmas that I celebrated traditionally, with family. I had Christmas with my bff and her family and she really went all out on the gifts, even for me. I wasn't expecting it at all. I wish I had money to buy her more things but I could only afford to get one thing for her and nothing for her family. I felt really guilty but she told me not to. She is always on my case about feeling guilty and paranoid and I have to stop doing that. She is really the most awesome friend that i have ever had!!

Friday, December 23, 2011

December 23rd

I am so frustrated right now. My charger is not working, my new charger. I am going to have to send it back and get a refund. I guess I will have to spend money on an official apply one but it will be worth it in the long run, as long as my cats don't chew it up again.

I decided not to look at all the bad things that are happening in my life right now, only the good things. I have a roof over my head, food to eat and family and friends that love me. What else could I need? As long as my computer is up and running before school starts since I am taking an online class next semester.My mom, I am sure, will pay for it if I don't have it working by then. She did pay for my tuition afterall. I don't even know when school starts but I better check that out asap. I hope it starts early next year so I can get my computer going again.

Christmas eve is tomorrow. I am going to try and find a good service to go to. I really want to attend an eve mass this year since I haven't yet. I will probably try and go to Legacy or Destiny church since it is not far from my apartment. I don't have enough gas to make it to Calvary or to Hoffmantown.

I hope that 2012 is going to be a better year. It has to be because this year sucked big time!

Thursday, December 22, 2011

anxiety and emotion

I am feeling so completely overwhelmed and anxious right now. I feel like I am being played a fool again by people that I thought were my friends. Now that my computer is not working, it seems as though I am not as welcome as I was before. They are even playing with their wi-fi so that I can't even get on my netflix account and watch anything. I can watch it on my mom's netbook but it is kind of crappy and it gets so hot.

My neighbor asked me over but I don't think I am going to go down there. They really stress me out. Too much loudness and activity down there. And they talk about smoking pot which makes me very nervous. They think it is okay to smoke pot when they are detoxing off other drugs. When you detox, it is off of all drugs, you can't just pick and chose what you will quit and what you won't. When I detoxed and went to treatment, it was all or nothing. It really makes me very nervous.

I haven't started my book yet, but I think I am going to since I have time off still. I need to get my apartment put together but I can't until I get more painkillers. I know that if I try to get it together now, I will be in a lot of pain from cleaning.

Oh well, I guess that this is just life. I do feel as though God is putting me to some kind of test. I haven't figured it out yet and maybe I won't until I come through on the other side of it. I don't know. I don't think I can handle much more though. I don't know if my meds are not working anymore or if a change is in order. I am feeling extremely emotional and suicidal. I look at my kitties and they are not even stopping the feelings this time. That is very very bad. Usually, when I have these thoughts, I can look at my kitties and they stop the thoughts because, who would take care of them if I am not around? This time, I am having no thoughts like that and it is making me very nervous. I hope things will get better for me soon because I really don't feel I can take much more of this.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

December 20

I know that today is going to be a good day. I slept good last night and I actually got up early this morning and felt good after I slept.

I am taking my mom to the store today maybe.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

my life

I have decided to start my book. I am going to write it on word and then transfer to this blog so people can read it and give me their opinion.

I have been very close to Sesa and her family. She is really making me feel welcome in her family and her family is making me feel very warm and loved and welcomed. I love hanging out with her.

I had lunch with Steve Rivera today and his wife. They told me about an at home job where I collect checks when people pay their bills. It sounds too good to be true but I am going to check it out, it can't hurt to at least take a look.

School is out for 2 weeks. I hope I can get my shit together in the next two weeks.  I really want to save up my money and get a new iPad since mine got stolen. Its too bad that I can't trust Diana and her kids anymore. I know they are the ones who took it. I am sure Diana sold it to someone. I don't know what she does with her money. She makes enough to pay all her bills and then some. She only pays $100 for rent and I know that she makes at least $1000 per pay check so where is her money going??? She has some nerve to ask me to help her pay her electric bill. I should have her job. She doesn't even know how to sign!

Thursday, December 15, 2011

book ideas

I have finally decided to write a book. I don't know whether I want to write a non-fiction book about my life (which is really quite a story), or write a fictional book based on my life with a few added features. Since I like dystopia type of books, I might decided to write a book based on my life but with a dystopian flair.
I am not sure how to get started. I know that since I am in school to get my teaching degree in English, I will take a fiction writing and other writing classes to help me get started.
I think that it would be a good way to get my thoughts down on paper in addition to this blog. It would also be wonderful therapy for me and a way to get my feelings out without them being bottled up all the time in my head.
I am hoping that if I do this, I will have an easier time sleeping at night without all the "tapes" running through my head and all the non-stop thoughts that I can't seem to turn off, no matter how I try.
I am definitely going to give it a shot.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Darby wishing everyone a Merry Christmas!

my life

I have decided to start writing a book. Whether it will be a novel or a biography, I do not know yet. I know that I have quite the life story. I have many stories that may help other people who are in the same situation as I have been.
I am going to open up an account on tumbler and start the book. Someone told me to just start journaling my life and then put it all together as a book. I think it would be great therapy for me.

so far, my bipolar has been in check. There are days when I feel the depression coming on but I am able to stop it in it's tracks. I don't know how I am doing it, but I am.

I have been physically ill lately, not related to my bipolar or depression. I had an asthma attack for the first time ever. I did not even know I had asthma. I thought it was just major bronchitis but I couldn't breath for the worst time. I went to the er and they told me that I had asthma. My chest is very congested right now and i can't stop coughing. of course, I haven't quit smoking. i will though. I have to.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

December 10 Saturday

Today was a very unproductive day. I haven't been feeling well at all. I woke up yesterday with a sore throat and a lot of congestion. I always wonder how much of my physics ailments are due to my bipolar and how much are really physical illness? I do not yet know how to differentiate them. I slept most of the day and night and now, at 4 in the morning, I am awake and afraid to fall asleep because I have so much to do tomorrow. If I fall asleep, will I be able to get up and get things done like I need to or will I sleep the day away.

My bipolar seems to be running my life right now and I don't know how to manage it. I have been taking my meds diligently. They seem to be working but when I do get sick, like I said, is it the bipolar that is making me physically ill or am I really sick?

Tuesday, December 6, 2011


I am so behind on my blog and on my happiness project. My plan was to do work in my bipolar workbook on a daily basis but I have gotten way behind. I am having a rough time lately. Life just seems to be overwhelming me right now. Everything is hitting me all at once. I just want to be a normal person with a normal life and normal problems.
I am just so tired all the time, not so much physically, but mentally there are days when I don't even feel like getting out of bed, let alone even waking up sometimes.
I believe that if it wasn't for my cats and how much I love them and how much they love me, I wouldn't be here right now.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Monday November 5th-to do

I am finally getting something done. Yesterday I organized my walk-in closet, although I still have  ways to go on the rest of the apartment.

Today I am going to get my other closet put together. I got rid of all my old shoes yesterday and clothes that I will never wear again-about 3 bags worth of clothes.

I am also going to get my bathroom cleaned up today. I will only allow myself to get on the computer when I get something done.

The closet is first, which could take me all day.


I can't believe how many problems I am having today. It seems that just as things start going bette, something happens that just throws you completely off.

My finances are so bad, No landline, no internet. Thanks gosh for my awesome nigher. She just got wifi and it actually reaches to may apartment.
I need to get my cats there checkup but is  it't extra money that I can't don'l have.

I will figure out something cool

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Thursday December 1

I have been working really hard on getting my bipolar under control I have been identifying any triggers I have for my depression and my mania. I have been able to stop them in their tracks.

I have also learned that I cannot have any sugar before i go to sleep or else I will wake up with a migraine.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Sunday November 27th

I was unable to go to church today but I did watch some sermons on tv.

I started on my closet but got overwhelmed by how much I have to do.  I will get everything done when I get my pain pills. Hopefully.

So far, I am keeping my bipolar in check. I am doing the best I can.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Friday, November 25, 2011

Friday November 25

I slept pretty good last night. I am hoping today is going to be an okay day. I am sitting here at StarBucks and drinking my normal drink. I hope I have enough gas to make it to work this week. I think I do and I do have a little bit of money left to put in gas but not much.

Had a great day yesterday with my neighbors. She cooked way too much food but she gave me some to take home so I won't be starving this week at least.

I saw my mom again yesterday. I hate how old she is looking. I am going to go see her again and spend a lot more time with her today.

I am trying to keep my bipolar in check. I think that I have a handle on my feelings and my emotions and I can tell when I am getting triggered into depression and into mania which is good. As long as I am able to recognize that and stop it in it tracks then I am good to go.

I am going to get at least one closet organized today. I have to.

Thursday, November 24, 2011


Today has been an awesome day. I spent the day with my neighbors and had dinner with them. I got to see my mom which is awesome. What a wonderful day.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Wednesday evening

I actually did something with someone today. My neighbor invited me for lunch at the convention center and I went! That is a huge change for me. I never do anything with anybody. For me to go out and be social is a big change for me. I actually enjoyed myself today. I got to visit with my mom also. I guess she must have missed me. either that or she is lonely in the hospital and misses someone telling her that they love her. She knows I love her even though I don't always do right by her. I am trying to put the past behind me and get over the fact that she abused me when I was a child.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Tuesday November 22

I slept pretty good last night. I hope today is going to be a good day. I really need to get my bills together. I am going to try and make payment arrangements for my verizon and my cnm bill. I know there is nothing I can do about my phone bill. I will make a payment when I have the money. But I can't let my cell phone get turned off because I have no phone otherwise. I also really need to get my cnm bill paid as soon as possible.
I am going over to sesas for thanksgiving and that will be nice.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Girl in Translation-book review

This was an amazing book. The story about a young immigrant girl from China. She wants to assimilate with Americans but at the same time does not want to disappoint her mother by straying too far from her roots. How she appeases both is the premise of this book.
I really enjoyed this book. The protagonist of the story, Kimberly, is a wonderful girl. She is very close to her ;mother and yet she is able to assert her own identity and life.

A must read!

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Sunday November 20th

Today was an okay day. I got up with a migraine. I went to starbucks and used my computer. I am so frustrated that I don't have internet. Hopefully I can get something for my computer and get hooked up to wi-fi through my neighbors wi-fi.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Saturday November 19th

I am so frustrated that I don't have internet but I am getting my reading done. I still have over 30 books checked out from the library-that is insane but I do plan on reading them all.  I should be done with one book today, I hope. We will see.

My boss told me yesterday that it was nice to have me at work. She asked me if I was taking my meds and asked me how my feelings were. I did share with her that I am doing a lot of work on identifying my feelings and working in a bipolar workbook. Hopefully that will help. I am so glad that she is so understanding. I am going to try and write more later.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Friday November 18

I am so tired today. I am going to try and go to bed a little later tonight than I did last night. No more going to bed so early cuz then I wake up too early. I was up at 1 in the morning and up the rest of the night. That is crazy and I am so tired.

Thursday, November 17, 2011


I can't believe I have to use the computer at school. I am definitely learning patience by not having my computer. I did get to read my book last night which was great. I am sure that my cable is the next to get cut off-that or my cell phone. We will see what happens. I hope that everything works out but I just have to trust in God that everything will work out and not depend on myself.  I am going to go to the library and use my laptop there so that at least I get some "me" time in today.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011


I have some major triggers going on here. My phone got cut off and also my internet. I am trying really hard not to hurt myself but I want to so badlly! I am so frustrated I can't stand it. Maybe the library has wi-fi if not I can go to starbucks but I don't have money to buy anything. I wonder if they will get mad. I hope not.

November 16-Wednesday

I am going to try and not smoke today since tomorrow is the smoke out. Lets see how far I make it today. Hopefully most of the day.

I do have a doctors appointment today after work but I am hoping to get my dished done at least. If I accomplish nothing else but that, it will be a good day.

I am out of my abilify-good thing it is free.

Things at work are better. Hopefully I can prove myself and I will be trusted again.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

November 15th-evening

I guess things can get worse. Now my cell phone may be cut off. I am going to have to call them and make payment arrangements.

Today was not a very productive day. I did see my EAP counselor. She was nice. I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow.

I am going to try and quit smoking. My lungs are killing me. I don't know whether I am sick or have allergies. I feel like crap.


I actually slept pretty good last night. I was surprised when I woke up that I slept so well.

I would like to get some things done today but I am not sure I will.

My mom is in the hospital and no one called me to tell me. I know she doesn't want to talk to me so I don't know what to do.

I will write more later.

Monday, November 14, 2011


Today could have been better and it could have been worse. The worst of it was when I received a disconnect notice for my phone. Don't have the money to pay for it. My mom was helping me but I guess she either forgot to pay for it or she is not going to. I can make payment arrangements so I guess I shouldn't worry. I just want to make sure that my internet is not shut off. Maybe I will cancel the phone and just keep the internet. I need it for my class next semester. It is an online class.

I did get something done. I did work in my bipolar workbook today and journal. I guess blogging is a way of journaling also.

It was somewhat of a productive day at work. I am suppose to escort a girl to class. She has a problem ditching. Unfortunately, when I went to the classes to get her, she was ditching lol.

Otherwise, it was a pretty good day.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Schedule for tomorrow

7:30-2:30: work
3:45- doctors appointment

To do:

Clean off bookcase in bedroom

That is all I have for tomorrow. Just one thing a day is good. I am not worried about exercising since I walk so much at work.


Well, I didn't walk for 30 minutes or clean out my closet. I was just not feeling well today at all. Overtired and sick, not a good combination.

Tomorrow hopefully will be better. I don't expect to get much done in the house since I have to work and I have a doctors appointment after work. Then I have to come home and try and relax a little. My neighbor girls came over tonight. I don't mind but it is so sad that they are sent to my house just so their mom can get some alone time. Didn't even feed them dinner-I did.

In any case, I need to get something done tomorrow.

Footprints in my life journey

I have started a bipolar workbook. It is a thirty day workbook that helps me get through each day. I am going to log each day on my blog.

Day One-(Morning work)

I have been given a great gift today! The gift is my ability to open my eyes to a new day. A chance to follow my footprints from yesterday, vary my footprints from yesterday or go in a whole new direction today. What path will I choose?

I remembered my medication
This morning I feel: overwhelmed, withdrawn, quiet.

I am going to eat three healthy meals today and three healthy snacks.
I will drink six 8 oz glasses of water today
I will meditate on a positive thought, scripture or other meditation today.
I am going to take a 30 minute walk today.
I am going to read today
I am going to go to bed at a reasonable hour
I will clean one of my closets

I will spend some extra time with my cats

Saturday, November 12, 2011

to do list for Sunday November 13th

write in journal
work in bipolar workbook
walk thirty minutes
clean out closet`

I am number four

This was a really good book. I don't get into si-fi books that much but this was completely different than your regular sci-fi. At first I thought that another book about aliens who come to take over the earth and someone out to save the earth, would be completely cliche. I was surprisingly taken by surprise that this was not your typical alien story. You find yourself lost in the book, rooting for the protagonist in a different was than normal. Number four is a boy who is so completely stuck in a way that no other is. He is caught between two worlds, literally. Does he run from who he is and who he is destined to become and stay in his earthly world, complete with the drama it entails. Or, does he embrace what he truly is and live his life isolated and alone.
A must-read!


I am feeling extremely overwhelmed and frustrated right now. I know I need to clean up my apartment but I don't know where to begin. I should probably wait until I have had more sleep. I am overtired that's all.

to read books

OMG-I have over 2000 books on my to-read list on goodreads. I had better start reading! I have to stop checking in with all the groups I belong to because every time I do, they have new books up that I want to read so I add those! I think my currently reading is 8 books. I start school in January so that gives me a little over a month-maybe two months to read as much as I can.

now what

I am starting to get a little worried about myself. I have been trying to lose weight but in the past few days, I have not been watching what I eat. But, I have still lost weight. Almost 6 pounds in 3 days. No exercise either. Something is definitely up because that is not normal. I am also sick to my stomach all the time. Even if I take my acid reflux pills, I still get nauseous. That is just not normal.

Friday, November 11, 2011


Tomorrow I take the first of many skills test for teaching. I took the practice test today and bombed the math section, which I knew I would. I aced the language arts, which I also knew I would. What will I do if I fail that math again tomorrow. Oh well, I will worry about that if/when it happens. Not going to let it keep me up tonight.

My beliefs

my big guy and my missing guy

 Heathcliff-my AWOL kitty

my two new babies

learning to cope

I am finally learning how to cope with this bipolar type 2 thing. I think my meds are finally working. All this, after getting suspended for two days from work and having to drop my classes at CNM. Hopefully next semester will be better.   I don't plan on being absent from work or school. Actually I can't be absent from work anymore cuz I will get fired. I am on my last legs at work. I do hope that there are no more depression episodes. That is what really fucked me up.

I am reading "I am legend" by Richard Matheson right now.  I have 30 books checked out from the public library and 2 checked out from the school library at work.  I am going to try and finish them all before school starts in the spring and I get busy with school work.