resolution!

I have decided not to get anymore library books until I read all my books that I own and haven't read. I have way to many books in my house. I can't even get caught up on reading everything.

December 26th

I had the most awesome Christmas ever. It was my first Christmas that I celebrated traditionally, with family. I had Christmas with my bff and her family and she really went all out on the gifts, even for me. I wasn't expecting it at all. I wish I had money to buy her more things but I could only afford to get one thing for her and nothing for her family. I felt really guilty but she told me not to. She is always on my case about feeling guilty and paranoid and I have to stop doing that. She is really the most awesome friend that i have ever had!!

December 23rd

I am so frustrated right now. My charger is not working, my new charger. I am going to have to send it back and get a refund. I guess I will have to spend money on an official apply one but it will be worth it in the long run, as long as my cats don't chew it up again.

I decided not to look at all the bad things that are happening in my life right now, only the good things. I have a roof over my head, food to eat and family and friends that love me. What else could I need? As long as my computer is up and running before school starts since I am taking an online class next semester.My mom, I am sure, will pay for it if I don't have it working by then. She did pay for my tuition afterall. I don't even know when school starts but I better check that out asap. I hope it starts early next year so I can get my computer going again.

Christmas eve is tomorrow. I am going to try and find a good service to go to. I really want to attend an eve mass this year since I haven't yet. I will probably try and go to Legacy or Destiny church since it is not far from my apartment. I don't have enough gas to make it to Calvary or to Hoffmantown.

I hope that 2012 is going to be a better year. It has to be because this year sucked big time!

anxiety and emotion

I am feeling so completely overwhelmed and anxious right now. I feel like I am being played a fool again by people that I thought were my friends. Now that my computer is not working, it seems as though I am not as welcome as I was before. They are even playing with their wi-fi so that I can't even get on my netflix account and watch anything. I can watch it on my mom's netbook but it is kind of crappy and it gets so hot.

My neighbor asked me over but I don't think I am going to go down there. They really stress me out. Too much loudness and activity down there. And they talk about smoking pot which makes me very nervous. They think it is okay to smoke pot when they are detoxing off other drugs. When you detox, it is off of all drugs, you can't just pick and chose what you will quit and what you won't. When I detoxed and went to treatment, it was all or nothing. It really makes me very nervous.

I haven't started my book yet, but I think I am going to since I have time off still. I need to get my apartment put together but I can't until I get more painkillers. I know that if I try to get it together now, I will be in a lot of pain from cleaning.

Oh well, I guess that this is just life. I do feel as though God is putting me to some kind of test. I haven't figured it out yet and maybe I won't until I come through on the other side of it. I don't know. I don't think I can handle much more though. I don't know if my meds are not working anymore or if a change is in order. I am feeling extremely emotional and suicidal. I look at my kitties and they are not even stopping the feelings this time. That is very very bad. Usually, when I have these thoughts, I can look at my kitties and they stop the thoughts because, who would take care of them if I am not around? This time, I am having no thoughts like that and it is making me very nervous. I hope things will get better for me soon because I really don't feel I can take much more of this.

December 20

I know that today is going to be a good day. I slept good last night and I actually got up early this morning and felt good after I slept.

I am taking my mom to the store today maybe.

my life

I have decided to start my book. I am going to write it on word and then transfer to this blog so people can read it and give me their opinion.

I have been very close to Sesa and her family. She is really making me feel welcome in her family and her family is making me feel very warm and loved and welcomed. I love hanging out with her.

I had lunch with Steve Rivera today and his wife. They told me about an at home job where I collect checks when people pay their bills. It sounds too good to be true but I am going to check it out, it can't hurt to at least take a look.

School is out for 2 weeks. I hope I can get my shit together in the next two weeks.  I really want to save up my money and get a new iPad since mine got stolen. Its too bad that I can't trust Diana and her kids anymore. I know they are the ones who took it. I am sure Diana sold it to someone. I don't know what she does with her money. She makes enough to pay all her bills and then some. She only pays $100 for rent and I know that she makes at least $1000 per pay check so where is her money going??? She has some nerve to ask me to help her pay her electric bill. I should have her job. She doesn't even know how to sign!

book ideas

I have finally decided to write a book. I don't know whether I want to write a non-fiction book about my life (which is really quite a story), or write a fictional book based on my life with a few added features. Since I like dystopia type of books, I might decided to write a book based on my life but with a dystopian flair.
I am not sure how to get started. I know that since I am in school to get my teaching degree in English, I will take a fiction writing and other writing classes to help me get started.
I think that it would be a good way to get my thoughts down on paper in addition to this blog. It would also be wonderful therapy for me and a way to get my feelings out without them being bottled up all the time in my head.
I am hoping that if I do this, I will have an easier time sleeping at night without all the "tapes" running through my head and all the non-stop thoughts that I can't seem to turn off, no matter how I try.
I am definitely going to give it a shot.

Darby wishing everyone a Merry Christmas!

my life

I have decided to start writing a book. Whether it will be a novel or a biography, I do not know yet. I know that I have quite the life story. I have many stories that may help other people who are in the same situation as I have been.
I am going to open up an account on tumbler and start the book. Someone told me to just start journaling my life and then put it all together as a book. I think it would be great therapy for me.

so far, my bipolar has been in check. There are days when I feel the depression coming on but I am able to stop it in it's tracks. I don't know how I am doing it, but I am.

I have been physically ill lately, not related to my bipolar or depression. I had an asthma attack for the first time ever. I did not even know I had asthma. I thought it was just major bronchitis but I couldn't breath for the worst time. I went to the er and they told me that I had asthma. My chest is very congested right now and i can't stop coughing. of course, I haven't quit smoking. i will though. I have to.

December 10 Saturday

Today was a very unproductive day. I haven't been feeling well at all. I woke up yesterday with a sore throat and a lot of congestion. I always wonder how much of my physics ailments are due to my bipolar and how much are really physical illness? I do not yet know how to differentiate them. I slept most of the day and night and now, at 4 in the morning, I am awake and afraid to fall asleep because I have so much to do tomorrow. If I fall asleep, will I be able to get up and get things done like I need to or will I sleep the day away.

My bipolar seems to be running my life right now and I don't know how to manage it. I have been taking my meds diligently. They seem to be working but when I do get sick, like I said, is it the bipolar that is making me physically ill or am I really sick?

Life

I am so behind on my blog and on my happiness project. My plan was to do work in my bipolar workbook on a daily basis but I have gotten way behind. I am having a rough time lately. Life just seems to be overwhelming me right now. Everything is hitting me all at once. I just want to be a normal person with a normal life and normal problems.
I am just so tired all the time, not so much physically, but mentally there are days when I don't even feel like getting out of bed, let alone even waking up sometimes.
I believe that if it wasn't for my cats and how much I love them and how much they love me, I wouldn't be here right now.

Monday November 5th-to do

I am finally getting something done. Yesterday I organized my walk-in closet, although I still have  ways to go on the rest of the apartment.

Today I am going to get my other closet put together. I got rid of all my old shoes yesterday and clothes that I will never wear again-about 3 bags worth of clothes.

I am also going to get my bathroom cleaned up today. I will only allow myself to get on the computer when I get something done.

The closet is first, which could take me all day.

problems

I can't believe how many problems I am having today. It seems that just as things start going bette, something happens that just throws you completely off.

My finances are so bad, No landline, no internet. Thanks gosh for my awesome nigher. She just got wifi and it actually reaches to may apartment.
I need to get my cats there checkup but is  it't extra money that I can't don'l have.

I will figure out something cool

Thursday December 1

I have been working really hard on getting my bipolar under control I have been identifying any triggers I have for my depression and my mania. I have been able to stop them in their tracks.

I have also learned that I cannot have any sugar before i go to sleep or else I will wake up with a migraine.