I am feeling so completely overwhelmed and anxious right now. I feel like I am being played a fool again by people that I thought were my friends. Now that my computer is not working, it seems as though I am not as welcome as I was before. They are even playing with their wi-fi so that I can't even get on my netflix account and watch anything. I can watch it on my mom's netbook but it is kind of crappy and it gets so hot.
My neighbor asked me over but I don't think I am going to go down there. They really stress me out. Too much loudness and activity down there. And they talk about smoking pot which makes me very nervous. They think it is okay to smoke pot when they are detoxing off other drugs. When you detox, it is off of all drugs, you can't just pick and chose what you will quit and what you won't. When I detoxed and went to treatment, it was all or nothing. It really makes me very nervous.
I haven't started my book yet, but I think I am going to since I have time off still. I need to get my apartment put together but I can't until I get more painkillers. I know that if I try to get it together now, I will be in a lot of pain from cleaning.
Oh well, I guess that this is just life. I do feel as though God is putting me to some kind of test. I haven't figured it out yet and maybe I won't until I come through on the other side of it. I don't know. I don't think I can handle much more though. I don't know if my meds are not working anymore or if a change is in order. I am feeling extremely emotional and suicidal. I look at my kitties and they are not even stopping the feelings this time. That is very very bad. Usually, when I have these thoughts, I can look at my kitties and they stop the thoughts because, who would take care of them if I am not around? This time, I am having no thoughts like that and it is making me very nervous. I hope things will get better for me soon because I really don't feel I can take much more of this.
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