I haven’t blogged anything since before my mom passed! I haven’t even been on here since then! I just reread my posts and WOW things have changed! The “best friend” I mentioned, turned out to be one of the worst people I’ve ever had the displeasure of meeting! She is such a user! I don’t even know how much money she “borrowed” from me! Also, I take oxycodone for severe chronic pain and, at that time, I was taking Xanax for anxiety. I had just filled both medications. I went down to her apartment and, stupidly, didn’t lock my door. Her son decided to go in and help himself to my meds and my cigarettes! I only had a few pills left and there was even one of my Xanax on the floor! I had two cats and they could’ve eaten it! His mom, my “bestie” did absolutely nothing but defend him! “Oh, he has problems”! Really??? Another time, maybe a day or two after my mom died, we were at a friend’s apartment and I decided to smoke weed for the first time in a very long time. Her weed was in the bedroom so we went in there to smoke. I made the horrible mistake of leaving my purse in the living room. When I got home, it seemed like my pill count went down (I had just filled it, 180 pills I’m prescribed). I decided to count them and I was missing 70 of them! I actually confronted her and she had the nerve to say, “you probably took them”! I responded with, “70 pills in two days? That would kill me!”! She still denied it! She was somewhat there for me when my mom was hospitalized but on the day my mom died, she was nowhere to be found when I needed her most! At the end of our friendship, she was having her mail sent to my address because she didn’t have a permanent address. When I moved, I didn’t tell her where or the address. She texted me and asked for it and told me she was expecting some item of clothing in the mail. She wanted to send me some kind of box or bag or something to send her stuff to her. I told her that everything I received before I moved was labeled “return to sender”. She went ballistic! She told me “you only had two friends and now you just lost one”. I told her that she lost me a long time ago! That really set her off and she sent me a long message via Facebook and completely cyber bullied me! She told me that “your sister hates you and your cold, dead mother hated you and your dad probably did too”! There was a lot more things she said! Anyway, I am so glad she’s out of my life! She was a complete loser who only knew how to manipulate, use, insult, steal, use drugs and just generally be a terrible human being! Now I’m actually, basically friendless with no family either! Oh well, hopefully I won’t live much longer! I hope not!

My bff wants me wants me to list three good things about myself everyday. I am having problems just dealing with my bipolar type 2 and my borderline personality disorder. I am going to try and come up with three positive things though.

1. I am a good friend and a good person.
2. I am a hard worker.
3. I am compassionate.

Personality disorder test results

Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: Very High
Schizoid: Moderate
Schizotypal: Very High
Antisocial: Moderate
Borderline: Very High
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: Very High
Dependent: High
Obsessive-Compulsive: High
URL of the test: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv
URL for more info: http://www.4degreez.com/disorder/index.html

resolution!

I have decided not to get anymore library books until I read all my books that I own and haven't read. I have way to many books in my house. I can't even get caught up on reading everything.

December 26th

I had the most awesome Christmas ever. It was my first Christmas that I celebrated traditionally, with family. I had Christmas with my bff and her family and she really went all out on the gifts, even for me. I wasn't expecting it at all. I wish I had money to buy her more things but I could only afford to get one thing for her and nothing for her family. I felt really guilty but she told me not to. She is always on my case about feeling guilty and paranoid and I have to stop doing that. She is really the most awesome friend that i have ever had!!

December 23rd

I am so frustrated right now. My charger is not working, my new charger. I am going to have to send it back and get a refund. I guess I will have to spend money on an official apply one but it will be worth it in the long run, as long as my cats don't chew it up again.

I decided not to look at all the bad things that are happening in my life right now, only the good things. I have a roof over my head, food to eat and family and friends that love me. What else could I need? As long as my computer is up and running before school starts since I am taking an online class next semester.My mom, I am sure, will pay for it if I don't have it working by then. She did pay for my tuition afterall. I don't even know when school starts but I better check that out asap. I hope it starts early next year so I can get my computer going again.

Christmas eve is tomorrow. I am going to try and find a good service to go to. I really want to attend an eve mass this year since I haven't yet. I will probably try and go to Legacy or Destiny church since it is not far from my apartment. I don't have enough gas to make it to Calvary or to Hoffmantown.

I hope that 2012 is going to be a better year. It has to be because this year sucked big time!

anxiety and emotion

I am feeling so completely overwhelmed and anxious right now. I feel like I am being played a fool again by people that I thought were my friends. Now that my computer is not working, it seems as though I am not as welcome as I was before. They are even playing with their wi-fi so that I can't even get on my netflix account and watch anything. I can watch it on my mom's netbook but it is kind of crappy and it gets so hot.

My neighbor asked me over but I don't think I am going to go down there. They really stress me out. Too much loudness and activity down there. And they talk about smoking pot which makes me very nervous. They think it is okay to smoke pot when they are detoxing off other drugs. When you detox, it is off of all drugs, you can't just pick and chose what you will quit and what you won't. When I detoxed and went to treatment, it was all or nothing. It really makes me very nervous.

I haven't started my book yet, but I think I am going to since I have time off still. I need to get my apartment put together but I can't until I get more painkillers. I know that if I try to get it together now, I will be in a lot of pain from cleaning.

Oh well, I guess that this is just life. I do feel as though God is putting me to some kind of test. I haven't figured it out yet and maybe I won't until I come through on the other side of it. I don't know. I don't think I can handle much more though. I don't know if my meds are not working anymore or if a change is in order. I am feeling extremely emotional and suicidal. I look at my kitties and they are not even stopping the feelings this time. That is very very bad. Usually, when I have these thoughts, I can look at my kitties and they stop the thoughts because, who would take care of them if I am not around? This time, I am having no thoughts like that and it is making me very nervous. I hope things will get better for me soon because I really don't feel I can take much more of this.